It’s S**t: A Guide to What Total Tool Adults Think Is Cool

Google recently released a report called “It’s Lit: A Guide to What Teens Think Is Cool” after surveying around 1,100 entitled brats (oops, I mean youths) between the ages of 13 and 17.

YouTube was named the coolest brand, along with Netflix, Google, Oreos, Doritos, and Nike.

Dominos is cooler than Pizza Hut. Coke is cooler than Pepsi, but neither is as cool as Gatorade.

“You want more cool?” The Washington Post’s Christopher Ingraham writes,  “Axe Body Spray is cooler than Sunglass Hut. Sunglass Hut is cooler than JC Penney. JC Penney is just a hair cooler than Red Bull. Every single company is cooler than journalism outlet Vice, with one exception: the Wall Street Journal, which teens rated the least-cool brand of all.”

“Well kids,” retorted WSJ reporter Mike Bird, “the bond market doesn’t think you’re cool either.”

Best clap-back EVER. (See, I can be cool–I used ‘clap-back’ instead of the super-old-fashioned term, ‘comeback’.)

Anyway, as a 45-year-old idiot parent, I’ve decided to write my own list called “It’s S**t: A Guide to What Total Tool Adults Think Is Cool.”

Some of my favorite brands include: Sleep Number, comfy Lululemon leggings, Adidas sweatshirts that cover my butt, an Elomi sports bra (not for sports however, for function) Bravo TV, Amazon, Jeep Wranglers and Kendall Jackson chardonnay (or Rombauer when I have money to burn.)

But my preferred brands aren’t enough to generate a whole study. Time to get scientific. So I went around and asked a bunch of my co-workers what brands they liked.

Ryan Jones (age; 35)  immediately rattled off: Gillette, Dove, and Woodford Reserve Bourbon.

I forgot to ask if he meant Dove the soap or Dove the chocolate. Oh well, BOTH are cool to me.

Mary Scanlon (age; non-of-your-business) lives for the Roomba robot vacuum, Robert Mondavi wine and Xanax.

DJ Wrexx (age; 40) says Hennessy cognac, Gain fabric softener and Sliders Wings.

Are you noticing an alcohol theme here?

Finally, I asked web-guy Bill Sencio if he’d participate in “It’s S**t: A Guide to What Total Tool Adults Think Is Cool” survey.

He made it crystal clear he IS TOTALLY effing cool. He actually said, “But I’m cool.” 

Can you just give me your favorite brands please?

Bill Sencio (age; cool) is crazy about Blue Apron, Apple, Earwolf Media and Loot Crate.

What the hell are Earwolf Media and Loot Crate?

Apparently they’re brands cool people use. Along with: YouTube, Netflix, Google, Oreos, Doritos, Nike, Dominos, Coke, Gatorade and Axe Body Spray.

For the rest of us there’s: Wine, bourbon, cognac, more wine, Xanax and cleaning supplies. In that order.






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